TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You are aware of, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from House, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after Trump Tower Damascus obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Attributes


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting interest from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have transform-down services."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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